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Author Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, “We must not die with our music still inside of us.”  What I believe he meant by this was that each one of us has very unique and special gifts deep inside — natural skills and talents that we were given.  We know that many talents can be acquired and developed with elaborate training, but many others already exist, just waiting to be discovered and honed.  Whether it’s a flair for the arts and creativity, personal skills such as communication and leadership, or a knack for precision and accuracy, there is something special and unique about each of us.  Have you ever noticed how some children have a natural ability to balance and dance, or others who can sing in tune?  Years ago, I watched with amazement how a friend’s 4-year-old could handle an adult-sized basketball and kick a soccer ball with precision.

To this day, many of us have not yet discovered what unique things we can accomplish just by trying.  These gifts are buried too deeply and covered over by our hectic schedules and an inability to reach inside ourselves.  I met a grown woman one day who told me about a desire she had always felt to work with or care for animals.  She put in long hours in an office and constantly day-dreamed about starting an adoption agency for small pets.  I told her that her “calling” will remain a fantasy until she responds to it, and I encouraged her to find ways of exploring possibilities.  I met a man several years ago who had a gift for teaching scripture in his church and yet he worked in sales.  He eventually answered the “calling” by quitting his job and going to school to become a pastor, something he wished he had done many years earlier.

Some of our inability to live our dream or to love what comes naturally to us stems from the discouragement we experienced as children.  Our parents meant well, but often their words and actions hurt our morale and self-image, and caused us to give up.  When I was in junior high school, I discovered a passion for reading the works of Edgar Allan Poe and emulating him in my stories and tales.  But it seemed that when I showed my work to my parents and teachers, they were quite critical and continued to point out all the things I was doing wrong in my writing.  Eventually I became so discouraged that I gave up the love of writing and felt I couldn’t live up to their expectations.  I know now they all meant well with their comments and criticism.  They wanted to help me be the best writer possible, or use a style that they felt would be most effective.  But it backfired and caused me to give up.  It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I dusted off that internal “calling” to write and began creating work that led me to this column and other works.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  My interpretation of this passage is that we must not train our children the way we think they should go, but instead the way the greater power that created them intended for them to go.  Be sure that you aren’t trying to live your dreams through your child.  I received the following e-mail from a parent; “I’ve seen my daughter draw beautifully but she doesn’t seem to care to do it much.  Artistic ability runs in our family.  How do I encourage our daughter to keep at it so she’ll go far?”  Perhaps the parents of this child were putting too much pressure on her to excel at art because they wanted her to be great.  The comment about the family’s artistic ability may indicate the motivation for the pressure.

I challenge you to see your child as a gift with hidden secrets and treasures within — that only she and the greater powers that created the magic of life itself know her ultimate capabilities.  You have the rewarding opportunity to help her unlock these gifts through your encouragement and coaching as a parent.

Here are three important things you can do to help her discover what she loves and what she could achieve.

Allow Your Children to Explore. Create opportunities for them in all forms of art, creativity, and play.  If you see that they have an affinity for something specific, it’s fine to encourage them but avoid pressure; otherwise, they may develop an aversion to the activity.  Always ask your children their preferences, and help them experience what is most meaningful to them.

Allow Them to Dream Boldly. Based on their dreams and desires, allow them to ask for things without criticism. It’s important to avoid squelching or discouraging your children’s requests based on their creative aspirations. Buy an empty notebook or a colorful essay book so they can log their dreams and desires. You don’t always have to fulfill their requests. Set an example by joining them and sharing some of your dreams with them.

Use More Encouragement and Less Praise. Praise is too judgmental and applies labels to a child.  Encouragement empowers youngsters to listen to their hearts and determine what they think about themselves or what they created.  Ask plenty of open-ended questions and allow them to describe to you their opinions and thoughts about something they did or created.

If you’ve noticed some wonderful artistic ability in your child, cherish it and nourish it.  It’s desirable to encourage them to excel in that area, but be ready to let go if they choose not to pursue the interest.  Don’t try to clone yourself in your child, and certainly don’t attempt to fulfill your thwarted desires through them.  Be your child’s coach and guide, and you’ll help them find their own unique place in this world.  Doing so will help them live a full and happy life, and to hear that song inside them waiting to be sung.

More about Bill Corbett…
Bill Corbett is the author of the book Love, Limits, & Lessons® and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids.  The book is designed as a quick reference guide for adults in handling challenging behavior and is now available in a Spanish translation edition.  Bill has a degree in psychology from University of Phoenix, sits on the resource advisory board of Attachment Parenting International, and is the former creator and host of the radio talk show Parent Talk in Nashville, TN.  He created the Love, Limits, & Lessons® parent education course on discipline that is taught by instructors nationwide, and writes a syndicated column offering behavior advice that can be found in many parent magazines in Tennessee, Texas, Pennsylvania, and New England.  Bill has three adult children, two grandchildren, and lives with his wife Elizabeth near Hartford, CT.  Visit his website www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

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